Bewilderment: The Goings-On in the Life of Me and Meditations on the Future

 I like to consider myself a Gemini in a Cancer's body. I'm a swirling mass of confusion and contradicting personalities.

It may even be possible that I could be clinically diagnosed with a mental personality disorder, but I'm really hoping against that verdict.

My changing problems range from the quizzical question of whether or not I do believe in a higher power or self-determined destination, a minimal future or a greater existence, delusion or optimism, an already existing path based on the past or if one can change his own fate, to whether or not I should have Cheerios or a chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

Maybe, I truly don't even buy into the astrological belief system. I am so indecisive to the point that I question if wearing gray changes my perception of people and U.S. foreign relations.

But, being mixed up inside allows me to consider opposing sides of the spectrum, and possibly test my limits by exploring the crazy misadventures created by my imagination (and incessant rambling).

I find myself constantly puzzled, I often miss the pun of most jokes, and I am always behind or slow in comprehension when it comes to common sense. Talking to myself is therapeutic.

I swear to you I'm not crazy. My mother says it's okay as long as I don't answer back. I obsess about situations. I try to fix and prepare them, which can be a good thing, but then I eventually come to the realization that even with the most preparation, life throws you a curve ball that you didn't expect.

I have learned to come to terms, however, with certain uncontrollable situations such as: my short stature, my 'creative' handwriting, my untouched Writer's Notebook, and I have dealt with the fact that no matter what, my room can just never stay clean.

But I still struggle with whether or not being a happy or a somewhat negative person gets your desired outcome out of life, and with conformity or mild social rebellion, within limits.

One should never be content with his current situation. He should always strive to change or for something better. Some things you choose not to change upon the recognition that your way/fault is just fine as it is.

I tend to fall somewhere between two extremes and eventually tire, become bored, or disinterested in a cause. I forget the main argument or I can understand the opposing viewpoints, which leads me back to my indecisiveness.

Being able to see both sides is a gift and a curse. I don't quit my goals but I tend to fall a little short, especially when they're set so high.

This brings me to being perpetually dazed and confused when it comes to dealing with the future. It's very difficult to come to terms with who you are and what you want to become, and even your current state.

What you decide to do in your spare time or your choice in footwear will forever change your destiny. One inevitably affects the other. Maybe your choice in pudding is not as drastic as I make it out to be, but whether or not you eat pudding at all can cause your children to have a diet containing Jell-o.

Courses, college, and career choices are important, but I like to look towards the bigger picture. I wrestle with whether or not I should become a wife, a mother, work from home or have no job at all.

If I do have a job, do I want to work a 9 to 5 in a box, or 'cubicle,' or would I prefer to travel? If I do travel, should I take up Latin, a modern romance language or salsa lessons?

What's the point if I never go anywhere? But if I do travel can I bring the kids? Do I want kids? Do I really want 2.5 children running around (Bobby, Jr. and Mary Sue), with a dog (a Golden Retriever or a Chocolate Labrador) and a mini-van?

Maybe I'll choose to adopt a little Paraguayan boy. Or take the easy way out by never getting hitched and having nine cats in my Brooklyn apartment. But I digress.

My point is that there are so many options that make up your fate. Is it really better to choose the road less traveled even if you like the straight and narrow path? I don't want to look back on a life unlived.

I just want to become a good person, but, for now, I'll be concerned with turning 16 first. I tend to walk through life mystified, in a constant purple haze, without the use of illegal narcotic substances.

My thoughts and emotions tend to run the gamut of the severest extremes, and I feel that my place almost inevitably lies somewhere in between.

Although I am baffled by choices that will effect the present condition of my homeostasis, perplexed by life's greatest mysteries and confounded by thoughts of the future, my objective is simple: when I grow up, I want to be happy.

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