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A cross-country education
For Briana Trebor-MacConnell, the transition to life away from home for the first time could have been a difficult one. As a freshman at the Brooks Institute of Photography in Santa Barbara, Calif., Trebor-MacConnell had to adjust to being 2,000 miles away from her Minnesota hometown. But during her first week of school, she attended Jay Leno’s show, traveled to Los Angeles and made friends from all over the country. When classes began, she was even happier.
Trebor-MacConnell, a visual journalism major, was taking photos in multi million dollar homes and learning more than ever before. Life was good. In fact, life was great.
For her parents, Kandy and Brian Trebor-MacConnell, things were hard. Sure they were happy for their youngest child, but deep down, they missed her. Really missed her. They missed the talks after school, the extracurricular events that high school brings and having her friends around the house. While Briana was having the time of her life, her parents were making the biggest adjustments of theirs.
“When we visited Brooks, the minute she saw the school, I looked at her face and I knew she wanted to go there,” says Kandy. “My heart sunk. All I could think about was her being so far away and not knowing anyone. I still wished the little girl who hung on my leg the first three years of life would hang on a little longer.”
When Tracy Augustin transferred from Macalester College, a private school in St. Paul, Minn., to Arizona State University after her freshman year, her parents, Bill and Mary Augustin, had no idea what they were in for. The Augustins had been a 45-mile ride away from Tracy in St. Paul, so a trip home for Tracy on the weekend or during the week for dinner was no sweat. With her transfer, it became a problem.
“Within one day of leaving her in Arizona, she called me at work and home a number of times saying that she was very homesick and begging to come home,” says Mary Augustin. “She wanted us to get her a plane ticket to send her home. I told her we just couldn’t, that it was too late to transfer to another school, that we couldn’t afford any more plane tickets. Eventually, Bill and I were arguing over how to handle the situation. I wanted to get her home, and he thought she should stay there for a while.” Fortunately, Mary says, once Tracy gave it a chance, she started to feel at home. But for the Trebor-MacConnell and Augustin families, everyday life they had known had changed.
Such is life for parents whose children attend college out of state and a few thousand miles away. “The communication lines have to be open,” says Mary Augustin. “It is important to talk about why your child wants to go to school where they do. Make sure they do it for the right reasons.” Lesson number one is to understand that your child will get homesick, and that there will be an empty feeling for you the day your child leaves. Getting over that is the key to success.
“Briana told me she knew she would get homesick and miss everybody, but told me if she ever called and felt like she wanted to come back home, to encourage her to stay and give it at least six months,” Kandy says. “But I don’t think I will ever get that call.” A lot of that is because of the easy adjustment Briana made to her new surroundings, but also because of the planning and preparation Kandy and Brian made. Both Kandy and Brian went out to California with Briana. Both attended orientation for parents, got her settled in her new apartment, met her roommates and professors and took a tour of the campus and city. They also met parents from all over the country who were dealing with the same issues. Knowing they weren’t the only ones struggling with their daughter’s decision was a relief. When they left California, the Trebor-MacConnells felt a void, but they also felt comfortable about where their daughter was. When she talked about her classes, they knew where they were. When she went out on the town, they had an idea of her surroundings. And as much as they missed her, they felt proud that she was becoming an adult. But they were also curious to find out what life would be like after the emotional roller coaster of not having her at home settled. They learned quickly. There was less laundry, fewer groceries to buy, no worrying late at night. But most of all, more time for just the two of them. “We went out to eat a lot and even went shopping together, which we never did,” Kandy says. “We kept saying, ‘No one is around, so we can do what we want. What should we do?’” The newfound freedom was met with mixed blessings. Kandy sent Briana a card every day filled with a small note of encouragement, gum, candy and quarters for laundry, among other things. With e-mail and instant messaging, they were able to communicate often. But the Trebor-MacConnells still had to deal with Briana not being home.
The night before she dropped Briana at the airport after Thanksgiving vacation, “I cried like crazy,” Kandy says. “When we left to go to the airport, I got out of the car, hugged and kissed her and told her to call me when she got back to her apartment. I sat down and let out my tears, but then I felt good about how proud I was for her and knew that she was going to be fine.” For the Augustins, it took some time—and some awfully strong parenting—to keep Tracy interested in school and get over her homesickness. They were so busy helping their daughter make an adjustment that they didn’t have to deal with all the emotional adjustments of being without her. Almost. Because her apartment was paid for a year and tuition already paid, there was almost no way Tracy could back out without major financial consequences. “This was very hard on Bill and me,” Mary says. “We were disagreeing but had to appear like we were standing together, supporting each other with our decisions. It was very tense for the two of us.
Any advice I would give to any parent is: As homesick as they get, don’t give in until they give it a good try.” A PARENT’S GUIDE TO BATTLING HOMESICKNESS BEFORE THEY GO Visit the school with your child. Attend orientation, visit with professors, other parents, students or roommates, and tour the campus and city. Familiarize yourself with everything that will be a part of your kid’s life. Get a phone book from the city your child lives in. This can help when trying to communicate about where to go to the dentist, doctor and other appointments that come up. Realize it will be very emotional the moment you leave and the first few weeks afterwards. Make sure they are squared away financially. Do they have an ATM card to use? Where can they use it? What bank can they use? Where is the nearest grocery store or convenience store? Make sure they know how to get to and from the airport. When they first hint they want to go to school across country, start writing down the positives and negatives and keep good records of every possible scenario. This will help understand decisions and why they are made.
Remind your student that they’ll be in a new city with new people and new ideals. What is common in your hometown might not be in another town. They shouldn’t take anything for granted. Give your teen cooking and laundry lessons. AFTER THEY LEAVE Buy prepaid phone cards. This means your teen won’t have to worry about long distance—and is encouraged to call often. Do your best to get them home for the first major holiday. It will be a nice time to see how your teen has grown since they left.
Be prepared to have more free time. Do something you have put off, take a trip somewhere (with school bills, it probably won’t be very far), volunteer, or get in touch with old friends. Remember, your student is meeting new people, experiencing new environments and learning a new lifestyle. You groomed them to succeed at this new opportunity. Talk to your student about school, about the friends he or she is making and life in the new city. Don’t be afraid to ask questions and be curious. Be excited for your child when they get a good grade or accomplish something new. This encourages them to do their best. And the better they do, the better you’ll feel. Article provided by 
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