Talking to your teen

Going off to college is a stressful and bewildering time for students and their parents. Here are some guidelines to keep in mind as you try to help your teen tackle the college admissions process.

Make them responsible
This starts from day one of parenting, according to Hermosa Beach, Ca., family therapist Lisa Dunning. “You might want to ‘save’ your child and give him all the right answers,” she says. “But then the child is unprepared to make his own decisions. Have the child work out his own problems, and think about their choices and the consequences.”

Provide life skills so that, come time for college, your teens can have the confidence of surviving on their own. Teach them to prepare meals at home, balance a checkbook, budget their allowance and do the laundry.

Talk about touchy subjects
According to a Nuveen Investments money survey for Kid$ense, when 1,000 children ages 12 to 17 were asked how much they knew about budgets, about half the respondents said they had received no financial education whatsoever. Kid$ense says the average student is offered at least eight credit cards during his college career; those with little financial savvy are ill-prepared to deal with this responsibility. “There’s a tension between love and money,” says consultant Lora K. Block of College Advisory Services in Bennington, Vt. “But the parents’ taboo to talk about money can be a catastrophe.”

Block suggests being upfront with your teen about what the family can afford and what loans might have to be incurred. “Everybody needs to be clear about the limits,” she says. Time management is another of those skills that come in handy. “Parents should help them make wise use of their time between fun, homework and sports,” Block says. “Start that very young so they get everything done they need to get done.” 

Cement the bonds
Don’t make it “all about college.” The topic can be a stressful one full of emotions for the whole family. Have other things to talk to your teen about.

“Kids need to have other interests, like sports. There should be a connection to something other than college, and parents should participate in this with them,” says Pat Martin, assistant vice president of the Office of School Counselor Advocacy at The College Board in Washington, D.C.

Your relationship with your college-bound teen can be further improved by realizing, and then relaxing, the expectations you might have for those next steps to college.

“Parents might read a book or magazine article about the best colleges and tell their child where they should attend,” says Martin. “But kids’ objectives are different.” They need to see the campus for themselves, talk to students there and ask about the food, the classes and the dorms. Parents should open lines of communication by listening rather than by telling, adds Block.

“Pulling back is important,” Block says. “Students need a sense of confidence in themselves, and if you’re always doing it for them, they lose their sense of confidence.” 

When you do discuss college with your teen, communication is key—but that doesn’t mean it needs to be split 50-50. “Parents should have a small mouth and a big ear, do a lot of listening, and try to give kids as much freedom as possible,” says Mary Mansfield, educational advisor at Musinsky & Associates in Weston, Mass. “You really have to let the kid take over the process.”

Adjust to an empty nest
“This is a very traumatic step for parents,” says Dunning. “It’s actually a grief issue. Parents have to trust that they did a good job in preparing the child to thrive.” Often parents realize they haven’t truly talked to one another in 18 years unless it was about their children. Dunning adds, “Work on your relationship issues. Remember, the couple came before the child.”

Soundbites from experts
“We suggest that students and parents talk about the adjustment to college life. This includes such matters as grades, bringing laundry on the first trip home and sending Mom home after the move in. Basically, keeping the channels open in an honest and supportive manner is encouraged.”—Dr. Clayton A. Smith, director of admissions and marketing at SUNY Cobleskill in Cobleskill, N.Y. 

“Try and connect with other parents who have already been through this process and see what worked and didn’t work for them.”—Jodi Vanden Berge, director of College Planning, EducationQuest Foundation in Kearney, Neb.

“Be wary of the unhealthy tether of technology. If you find yourself calling, e-mailing or IM-ing daily, you may be adversely affecting your student’s attempts to connect with friends, faculty or staff on campus.”—W. Houston Dougharty, associate dean of the department of student services at the University of Puget Sound in Tacoma, Wash.

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