When kids leave home

Going off to college or university is a stressful and bewildering time for students and parents. Here are some guidelines to keep in mind as you try to help your teen tackle life after high school, and how to cope with life after they leave home.

Make them responsible
Teaching kids responsibility starts from day one of parenting, according to family therapist Lisa Dunning. “You might want to ‘save’ your child and give him all the right answers,” she says. “But then the child is unprepared to make his own decisions. Have the child work out his own problems, and think about their choices and the consequences.”

Provide life skills so that come time for college or university, they can have the confidence to survive on their own. Teach them to prepare meals at home, balance a checkbook, budget allowance and do laundry.

According to a Nuveen Investments money survey for Kid$ense (kidsenseonline.com), when 1,000 children ages 12 to 17 were asked how much they knew about budgets, about half the respondents said they had received no financial education whatsoever. Kid$ense says the average student is offered at least eight credit cards during a postsecondary career; those with little financial savvy are ill-prepared to deal with this responsibility.

“There’s a tension between love and money,” says postsecondary school consultant Lora K. Block. “But the parents’ taboo to talk about money can be a catastrophe.”

Block suggests being upfront with your teen about what the family can afford and what loans might have to be incurred. “Everybody needs to be clear about the limits,” she says. Time management is another of those skills that come in handy. “This is the biggest pitfall,” says Block. “Parents should help them make wise use of their time between fun, homework and sports. Start that very young so they get everything done they need to get done.” 

Cement the bonds
Don’t make all your conversations only about your teen’s plans for life after high school. The topic can be a stressful one full of emotions for the whole family. Have other things to talk about with your teen.

“Kids need to have other interests, like sports. There should be a connection to something other than college/univesity, and parents should participate in this with them,” says Pat Martin, assistant vice president of the Office of School Counselor Advocacy at The College Board in Washington, D.C.

Your relationship with your college- or university-bound child can be further improved by realizing, and then relaxing, the expectations you might have for those next steps.

“Sometimes parents have already ‘decided’ where the kid wants to be—their alma mater or in the town where Grandma lives. Parents might read a book or magazine article about the best colleges and tell their child where they should attend,” says Martin. “But kids’ objectives are different.” Often they need to see the campus for themselves, talk to students there and ask about the food, the classes and the dorms. Parents should open lines of communication by listening rather than by telling, adds Block.

“Pulling back is important,” Block says. “Students need a sense of confidence in themselves, and if you’re always doing it for them, they lose their sense of confidence.”

Counsel, encourage and support your child, says Frank Burtnett, president of Education Now. Teens are more receptive to being guided in this manner than being “steered,” he says. “While the words are close in definition, ‘guide’ is so more child-friendly. Young adults may rebel against (being steered).”

When you do discuss college/university with your teen, communication is key—but that doesn’t mean it needs to be split 50-50. “Parents should have a small mouth and a big ear, do a lot of listening, and try to give kids as much freedom as possible,” says Mary Mansfield, educational advisor at Musinsky & Associates. “You really have to let the kid take over the process.”

Adjust to an empty nest
“This is a very traumatic step for parents,” says Dunning. “It’s actually a grief issue. Parents have to trust that they did a good job in preparing the child to thrive.” When you look at your spouse and ask “now what?” it’s a good time to reconnect. Often, parents realize they haven’t truly talked to one another in 18 years unless it was about their children. Dunning adds, “Work on your relationship issues. Remember, the couple came before the child.”

Ethel Ethington, a marriage and family therapist, says this is a time to get reacquainted. “Use a pencil and paper to work on your expectations, dreams and goals, first on your own as individuals then for the marriage. See where you’re similar and where you’re not, and explore what to do about it.”

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