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Building teen confidence

Stephanie is a beautiful 14-year-old girl who does well in school and has dozens of friends, yet she is secretly struggling with an eating disorder and has thought about committing suicide.

Luke is in his first year of college. He’s popular and well liked, but he can frequently be heard criticizing his girlfriend’s appearance and using negative comments to control her.

Fifteen-year-old Stephen’s parents complain that he is often rude and insensitive and always seems angry, but underlying his corrosive communication style are feelings of abandonment and frustration with life.

These three teens are real people, and they are struggling with the same issues that almost all teens face in their everyday lives. And just like most teens, the source of their problems can be linked to unhealthy self-esteem.

Over the last five years, I have counseled hundreds of teens and their families in my private counseling practice in the Toronto area, and I have presented to numerous parent and teacher groups. Through all of this, I have become increasingly convinced that one of the single most empowering tools we can provide to the youth of today is a greater knowledge of themselves and an understanding of how to develop a healthy self-image.

When I talk about self-esteem in high schools, I encounter a lot of confusion because it is a concept that many youths associate with their external confidence. Rather, I like to describe it as an inner attitude; something in oneself that every individual controls for him or herself that will in turn determine how we feel about ourselves and how we act towards others.

I differentiate healthy self-esteem from not only low self-esteem but also the equally unhealthy false self-esteem. Common issues include the inability to choose stable relationship partners, struggling as a perfectionist or with feelings of intense jealousy, the inability to make decisions or having difficulty saying ‘no,’ difficulty controlling anger and the inability to set and achieve realistic goals. All of our decisions in life are affected by the manner in which we view ourselves, but the good news is that change is always possible.

The most important first step to conquering any self-esteem problem is to take responsibility for our actions and stop blaming others for what we may perceive as unfair treatment. As humans, we have the unique ability to choose how we respond to different stimuli, and this is the one factor that we can control in any situation, regardless of the circumstances. The sooner we recognize how we are contributing to any problem, the sooner we can take steps to correct our mistakes and begin the healing process. There are many ways to build our self-esteem, and it may take some time, but it is always worth it!

My purpose in writing this column is to provide teens, parents and teachers with practical tools that will enable them to recognize the importance of their self-esteem and offer practical steps for building a healthy one. If you would like to discuss a problem, just send me your questions to [email protected], and we will publish some of your responses.

Karyn Gordon has spoken to more than 150,000 youth in high schools across North America. For more information about her book Analyse Yourself: A Teen’s Guide to Understanding their Friends, Parents, and Themselves or her four-part CD series and workbook for parents, visit her web site at www.karyngordon.com

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