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Betraying Yourself

Out my window and to the mulberry tree is where my thoughts go. I am that mulberry tree as it tosses in the storm and as it's limbs break from it's trunk. I thought I had left the storm behind in my life.

I thought everything would be ok, now. It isn't though. I go to sleep and my dreams do not give me peace. I have no place to run. I can no longer cry and I have no good reason to smile.

My life is my own and so I write this to all who dare to read. No matter what I write it doesn't mean you have to understand me, I would pray that you do, but debate is what builds us as our own.

I live here as everyone does, in this world. My life isn't like yours, and so I don't claim it to be better or worse. I just live and write of things I know and things I've done. At this, present time, what I'd like I can't have.

And in my world everything seems to be rapidly deconstructing. In one year I have managed to loose to prove everyone right. That one year ended the ninth of this month, that was my sixteenth year and I'm still trying to recover. This was before I blossomed completely in guy's eyes.

When I still had my goals not to kiss a guy until I was married. Not to ever betray my parents. Holding hands was a thrill to me that's all I needed, but it was never enough. All my friends thought it was silly and, 'What was the big deal?' about a kiss.

I started to believe them, 'What was the big deal?' The point was it protected me and kept me in a clear mind set not to do other things. The big deal still remains I listened to my friends and now, I'm still paying for that one kiss that started a whole year.

I've cried over all I've done for 12 months that I have no more tears. Too many "if only's." I can't change the past. From Mike to Ken to Rich, I've lost so much in those three boyfriends.

I just wish my friends had supported me and believed in me that I could accomplish my goals. I had a dream that my friends were laughing at me as though they had won something, as though they had defeated me.

I wonder every now and then if it really was all a game to people, a scheme to ruin a girl like me. Though I can't blame them they had no control over what I did, over what I regret.

What I'd like is to go back in time and know exactly what the results would be. I was once so excited to get married and share things for the first time with my husband but it seems fate has worked against me.

I wrote this for a contest but even if I don't win at least a few other people read it. I don't know what else to write but maybe to warn. What you hope for and the morals you have, don't lower yourself just because everyone mocks you. They mock morals because you still have something they gave up.

And don't say you'll never be like me, I once said I'd never turn out this way. Several years I said that but those words come back and bare down on me now. A good quote to remember, " 'She who think she stand beware lest you fall.'"

Don't just say it won't happen and act like you have nothing to worry about, because we end up falling.

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