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The Parent’s role

There is probably no time in parenthood that provokes more sleepless nights, sweaty palms and feelings of self-doubt than the period preceding the college admissions process. Although it’s easier said than done, this is the time to recognize that a key to successful parenting is trusting your child to make her own decisions based on the opportunities and good advice you have provided. Be there as an ally and a constructive critic, but remember it’s your child’s show.

Offer guidance
Take a moment to think about the role you’ll need to play. As a parent, your primary responsibility is to be accessible, to listen, to provide guidance, and most importantly, to apply the wisdom you’ve attained from the years of watching your child grow into a responsible young adult. Offer your support, but don’t push or pull, because your final aim is to enable her to handle independence comfortably.

In addition to being your child’s guide, you are her source of support. Recognize the power of your influence and the potential of its impact on her. It’s important that you do what you can to assure that the process does not compromise her self-esteem. It’s OK to have high aspirations as long as you are sensitive to the arbitrary nature of the process and are able to look beyond name recognition when helping your child make appropriate college choices.

Be realistic
There are no hard and fast guidelines regarding what schools your child will get into. But you can arm yourself with information that will help you assess the likeliness of your child’s admission, as well as the suitability of a particular school. Begin gathering as much information as possible and taking advantage of all appropriate opportunities, from attending local college information sessions to visiting a school that happens to be near a family vacation spot.

Be a source of comfort and support
Your job is to dry the tears, not cause them. If you cry out in disappointment or frustration, your child is bound to take it personally and feel as if she’s done something wrong. Try to be upbeat even if you feel differently. The last thing your child needs now is to feel your criticism. Instead, show your love and respect her need for privacy.  Remember that consulting with others, like your child’s guidance counselor and teachers, can help you during a highly emotional time.

Give your child the chance to accept your help. Ask first, “What can I do?” There is a distinction between helping out and taking over.


The college admissions process can be rewarding if you keep things in an adult perspective. Accept your role change that comes with your child’s shifting gears from dependence to independence. Enjoy this great opportunity to learn and grow with your child as she takes that giant step toward adulthood. It is she who, after all is said and done, will have to live with the consequences of the decisions, so to the extent possible, she should have the primary say in what is happening.

Excerpted with permission from A Parent’s Guide to College Admissions by Marjorie Nieuwenhuis.

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