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First Love

Have you ever had something that makes you just glow with happiness? Have you ever had that one thing that masks all other horrible things in life and drowns them out? For some it might be the summer sun bleaching their face with warmness. Others it might be the velvety fur of their beloved dog embracing their face with its moist tongue. For me it was John. His jet back curly hair brushed into his face as we giggled. I gently pushed it back into place. When I look into his eyes their enchantress swallows me in. His teeth are like a stunning white marble. Each and ever tooth straight, as if they were soldiers being called to attention. When he showed them he could melt any girl into a puddle. Olive gorgeously colored his face.

To me he was overflowing with natural beauty. But that's not what made me love John so much, for beauty is only skin deep. I loved him for his warm-hearted and tender personality. He made me feel like a butterfly in an endless field of multicolored flowers. To me it seemed like I hadn't been happy my whole life and when John came along it was as if someone had turned on the light for the first time out of the dull, lonely darkness. He made me feel alive again. John was my first real love. I had never been in love before. I always had boyfriends though as far as I can remember back. They would tell me they loved me and how beautiful I was and I would say I loved them back just because I thought it was the right thing to do. I didn't want to embarrass them or make them feel bad. I never really meant it or felt the same as they did.

Once I got sick of telling them that I loved them (when I really didn't) I would tell them that was a line but they always assured me it wasn't. I didn't understand the concept of love until John came along. John wasn't always popular with the girls if you know what I mean. I hadn't the slightest clue why that was. I remember I said I liked him and my friends started freaking out and telling me that I shouldn't like him because he was ugly. So I listened to them even though I disagreed with them and I thought he was absolutely gorgeous. I stayed away from him in fear of what people would think.

 Then one day he called me and asked me if I would go out with him. I thought for a few minutes and then said " Sure, why not." I remember at first for some odd reason I didn't like him but then one day it seemed as though a spark exploded. I was in love. And not just a little bit in love but madly in love. From then on out I told John every thing: my thoughts, feelings, and about my past. We talked on the phone for hours. Wherever I was he was, and were he was I was. We would lie up in my bed closely snuggled together. I would fall asleep in his safe and reassuring arms.

I loved his family. I would have to say though I loved his mom and his little sister the most. So when I found out that his mom made us break up I was alarmed and confused. I remember the day we broke up like it was yesterday.

"So are you going to the fair today again?"

John said.

 "Yes, probably."

I said sprawled out on the couch. "Well, we should go together again ok?"he said

 "Ok."

 I said. "I have to work again for my dad though, so I can't go right away."

 "Oh that's fine."

 "Well I have to go ok?" "Ok bye I love you."

 "I love you more," he giggled.

"Never." I said laughing too. "Well I see you later babe, I love you to the moon and back."

 He said I smiled with satisfaction and hung up. It hadn't even been ten minutes when John called back. "Chelsi, is that you?" he exclaimed. "Oh hey, what's going on?"

I said "Nothing."

 He said in a whimper. "What's wrong?" I said puzzled considering I just got off the phone with him. "We have to.....We have to...." John stuttered, "We have to break up. She said that you're breaking up our family." My face burned and tingled with anguish. Was this some kind of a prank or a sick joke? Whatever it was it wasn't funny. Then it started to sink in. Was this for real? I couldn't breath. Why was he telling me this? I supposed the she was his mother.

 "Ok, I have to go."

I finally managed to push out. I then hung up the phone before he would say another word to me. When the phone rang back right away I knew who it was. I debated for while and then finally picked up.

"What!" I said in rage.

"Chelsi, please don't be mad. I want us to be friends."

 I sat in silence thinking to myself. He wants me to just brush this off like it's nothing. I'm hurting and he thinks that we can just automatically become friends right off the bat? He doesn't care about me. He was breaking up with me and let alone it was not because of me it was because of his mom. The mom that bought me stuff. She was the mom that treated me like her family. I just couldn't believe it. I finally snapped. I couldn't take all of this at once.

"WHAT DO YOU EXPECT, FOR ME TO BE HAPPY! NOW THAT I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!" "Maybe not for them but for me." He bawled. "WELL YOUR FAMILY IS CRAZY IF THEY SAID THAT I'M BREAKING UP YOUR FAMILY, AND THAT I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU! YOU KNOW WHAT JOHN THOUGH, WHATEVER, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!"

 I slammed the phone down and ran to my room. The tears raced down my face. My heart was mutilated into a million little pieces. I laid on my bed crunched in a tiny little ball telling myself that it wasn't true that my John wouldn't do that to me, and that it was all going to be ok. I cried until I had no more tears to cry. My nose was stuffed and my face sticky from the previous fallen tears. I tried not to think about it but all the memories of us poured in my head. I laid there limp, lifeless, staring at the ceiling that was now blurred because of all the crying I had done.

 He called back later and told me that he was sorry and that the real reason he broke up with me was because we were getting to serious. He said this with no feelings or emotion, in a monotone voice, as if someone had coached him to say that. Why was he doing this? He just told me a whole different reason not even 20 minutes ago. Had his mom heard and told him to all back and tell me that or maybe he really thought we were getting to serious but why would he change his story from the first.

I was confused and still am today. I don't know if I'll ever know the truth. Now when I see John my heart still speeds up and I get that same glow I once had, but it's all crushed by the reality of our break up. He won't ever talk to me when his mom is around but sometimes he will stop and say a thing or too. One day I will find out the mystery of our break up but for now I will remain clueless.

 I still cry sometimes when I think of what we could have had but then I try to drown my thoughts out with all the wonderful memories we had and I smile. I miss him a whole lot. I wonder if we were meant for eachother. And if so did I blow it? And if so what did I do wrong? Other times I wonder if he ever thinks of me too because I know as well as he that he loved me also.

I learned a few important lessons here. No matter how hard you try you will never forget your first love and will always have feelings for that person no matter what so you might as well deal with it. Life can be hard as hell but you have to be strong and you have to go on and look the world and the face each and ever day. Don't every reframe from crying just because you think you look bad, crying is so important to healing that you need to cry. I don't ever know if John and me will ever get back together all I can say is I miss him and he has put a imprint on my heart forever.

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