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Fitting In

There have been times when I felt like I didn't belong in the groups of friends that I was with. Though I really try to understand why this was, I never really got the real answer.

I took a good look around me one day, and I saw a whole range of people that I hang out with. Yet they all seem to cluster together in one group because of their similarities.

One group was aptly labeled the "Asian crew" considering that the group contained mostly Chinese and Philippine people. They were the ones that I associated most with since I am of a Chinese descent and I can relate with them about the morals and the behaviors of our parents since we are so similar.

Then there was the other group which consists basically of people non-Asian descent. My friends Alexandra, Meriam, Lonny, and Ellen along with some others made up my other group of friends, all being of a European background.

They accepted me because of who I am. One group of friends represented my background and the other represented who I really am and the two don't mix.

There were times when I sat in the cafeteria talking to Alexandra and Ellen and sometimes they start talking about stuff that I don't understand and when I question them about it, they say, "Oh it's nothing". It is something, if they were laughing that hard and sending each other looks that I had no part in.

I felt segregated, on the outside as day after day I watch them talk and laugh as I sat at the edge of their circle trying to listen in on their conversation. I figure that since they were so peachy without me, I was going to go start hanging out with other people.

I started to sit with the Asians that I had made friends with in the beginning of the year in my high school. They accepted me even though I didn't usually hang out with all the time. Though sometimes, I don't get their inside jokes because they have been friends with each other for such a long time without me, they still let me in and try to explain to me about what they were doing before that made them say such things.

I felt accepted even though I had appeared at their lunch table in the middle of the second term. Later on, I spent more and more time with them until I gradually stopped spending time with my other group of friends. I felt included.

I realized later on that I shouldn't have done that because soon, my other friends gave me looks when I sat to talk with the "Asian crew" and they whispered to each other most likely about me. I realized I still felt segregated, in the middle of two worlds that pulled at me from both directions.

 I wanted to go back to my old group of friends but I wasn't sure if they were going to accept me. I realized then and there that I must be my own person, I couldn't rely on my friends to try and make the problem go away, I must go head-on with myself and try to fix the problems.

I shouldn't try to avoid the problem but facing it head-on. I am going to talk to my friends and try to get them back because they meant a lot to me and they still do. I miss them and I realize that I can split my time evenly between the two and not to let little issues like not knowing their inside joke bother me because eventually we will have our own little inside joke.

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