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Dead End

I could hide everything. But I was so tired. I couldn't cope with it any longer. I had hated myself for so long, trying the psychologists, the medicines. Nothing worked.

A smile was plastered on my face; it was the key to hiding everything. Smile all the time and no one can tell how much it hurts inside. I drove, heading towards what I hoped might be a rebirth.

I thought about my life so far. I thought about my mom and her million-dollar smile. I remembered the photo where she held me as a newborn in her arms. The smile was bigger than ever.

I thought of my father. His drinking problem. His gambling problem. His abuse problem. I thought of my five-year lie. I had to end it.I had no choice.my throat swelled.my smile faded.my heartbeat rose.

I had no other desire than to crawl up into a ball and die. I hated myself.who I was.who I could be. I pulled up by Sarah's house for the editorial meeting.

Fortunately, no one else's car was there; I would have to tell her alone. The editorial meeting would be fine, but.no. No, I.I couldn't tell her. I started to panic.

No one else was there. I couldn't hide. I hesitantly plastered my smile back on and got out of the car. My feet didn't seem to cooperate. I stumbled getting out of my car, almost falling into the burgundy Cadillac that was driving by.

I stumbled up her drive and rang the door bell. The door opened a few seconds later. It was Sarah. And her look, the one she had given me three weeks ago when I first tried to tell her-that was back.

Her eyes narrowed, her forehead scrunched up. She smiled and grasped my hand. She led me downstairs as my heart beat at a faster and faster pace. I wondered what I could do. I had to escape.

She couldn't know. I should go to the bathroom and wait until someone else arrived. I hated this. God, I hated this. It was the end of my life. I couldn't let myself go. "Ryan? Tell me. Please." Sarah's brown eyes stared into mine.

I felt my heart race faster. What could I say? Should I refuse to answer? Lie? Lying to Sarah would be impossible. My gaze fell. My heart beat faster. What would she think?

I can't do this. Get out of here. Run away. My mind was frantically barricading itself away, building a wall that grew taller every second. My heart beat faster. Ryan, Run away like you always have.

And the wall fell. I gave up. "Sarah." I looked at her, and she looked at me. I saw her confusion. Her fear. Her worry. And I let go. "I'm gay." And then she broke. Her eyes shattered and her face followed.

I knew it. I shouldn't have. If she couldn't understand, then no one would. I gave up. I might as well try to end it all, just like before. I had to run away. Tears welled in my eyes. My world had ended, come crashing down, and I had gained nothing.

Tears fell onto my cheeks. I had lost one of my closest friends. How many more would I lose before this was over? Tears trickled down and onto my neck.and she grabbed me. She grabbed me and hugged me and held me tighter than I'd ever been held before.

My body shook, still afraid. I put my arms around her. She made me feel alive; I was naked.

"I love you so much," she whispered. "I'm so proud of you. You are so brave." And she didn't let go. And I was safe.

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